Love and Carnage


As many times as I've said I am
As much as I think I would like to have been
I am not a simple man
I am complex
and hard to understand
A seeker of truth
Discoverer of illusion

Somewhere in between the two, I found you

We planted seeds together
making love in this garden
You surrounded me with warmth and passion
and I felt closer to love than I've ever been

I don't know if I'll ever get that close again
But I'll always remember;
The earth was fresh tilled
with spots of green
sprouting dreams

And we grew
We welcomed the weeds
And you taught the cucumbers to sing
the squash to taste sweet
And the tomatoes hugged us

Though the soil was loose, we still grew our roots
I know
God the Farmer loved us

I remember the look of happiness in your eyes as you began to flower
You made me proud
and humble
to be called a king of such a beautiful garden with so loving a queen

we shed tears of happiness
like morning dew refreshing us
as each new day the sun came up
and I watched your flowers reflect the colors of the rainbow

I felt the power of love
as our roots intertwined and our leaves reached out to one another with the illusion of egos as one

And you were so beautiful ...

I guess that's why God reached down and plucked you up
taking you home
to rest your roots in healthier soil ...

And now I'm alone
I think the weeds are closing in on me

I'm still here
My feet in the soil we struggled through in our search for the truth
and light
Reaching for the sun

It's not easy knowing you're gone
leaving me here
dreams turned to vapor

In all my life I've never felt so powerless
or so alone

No one's smile;
No one's touch
can penetrate this barrier

Here or there I feel some warmth or smell a fresh flower in the night
But only one flower would feel right in my arms

I believed in you

The world is not the same anymore

I miss you

The cucumber and squash and tomatoes do too

But I've only gained
There's nothing I've lost

is a garden

It has been a number of years
and to others I am living in the past
I should forget you, they say
"love never lasts, anyway"
who are they to know what I should feel
I miss you, baby

Itís been a long road
My home is in my heart
safe and apart from the platitudes of loneliness
You are still my strength
and my weakness

Who could have guessed I would be here now
howling at the moon
missing your truth
and your insight
Like a beacon in the storm of life you brought me safely to shore
I could not have asked for more from you
but I did

All the hidden anguish that I feel is just as real as this love that has no end
You were my friend
and my companion

"Life goes on", they say
and, most assuredly, it does
and what was will surely never be again
but you are not dead or gone
your spirit lives on in my heart and soul
and in those who know the treasure you gave us

You put a smile on a world sorely in need of a face lift
and you gave us this gift without expectations
* YOU ARE A STAR (the gathering)

"I just want to be a smile", you said
A humble goal
not easily achived
But you did
And we realize how difficult that can be
but we're here to return that smile

You be the sun
We'll be the sea

The tears we shed for ourselves
The smiles reflect back to you

We are with you tonight
not to look on the past with sorrow
but to look forward to tomorrow
your smile is still here
your heart is still near
after year
after year

We are with you Autumn
not to just remember the good times
but to remind ourselves
that with your energy
and your love
they continue
and on
and on

For now you're a star
and though stars we can't touch
thank God for making stars
that they can touch us

In the days when I believed there were answers to questions
every day was a new experience
every dream a possibility
and every woman a potential lover

In the days when every path was a cause for exploration
I wandered
embracing the danger
and trying not to wager what I did not own

A monk sits with bowl on barren table
wondering if he is able to be strong
A wife folds a laundered shirt and wonders if what she did was so wrong
She was reaching out for love

The street is empty
and I walk alone

In the wake of life's emotions is silence
sometimes sad
and insecure
but gentle
like a fisherman's wife waiting on the shore
knowing the day has long past
listening to the roar of the ocean
making amends
at last
in silence
* Iím a thunderstorm on the hiway late at night when youíre almost out of gas and youríre tireís flat anyway and you almost get run over because nobody can see you, but Iím a good lover
Itís you I want to spend the rest of my life with but you donít exist and all the alternatives are hung out to dry and the eye in the needle in the haystack is waiting there for me I believe, anyway, it keeps me going and wondering what went wrong
I think it was back in Ď71 somewhere near the end of the bottle when love was writing itís own lines to the mystery of life and I had my foot full on the throttle driving you away and now itís the end of another day and Iím tired of doing laundry and reading magazines I canít understand and all good intentions are waiting for the spin cycle to begin and Iím almost out of quarters and it's another day of law and order to the rescue and thoughts of you keep telling the same story and whatís more, we never even got to the first page past the introduction and then the table of contents was taken outside for a picnic and the words are melting in the sun and nobody cares cause the radio is blaring and the bar-b-que has just begun to get warm and youíre searching for a raincoat waiting on the storm
Guess I missed my opportunity
Lust always had a hold on me like some orphaned child looking for love
* You never really did believe you could be yourself with me
I guess the honesty was to much to bear
Reality gasping for air; smothered with guilt
The dominant illusion hides the inner self

The dream was not lost
it never was
* I heard your voice calling me
like a ghost
in a mystery of confusion
where the world is only real for the sake of the illusion
where reality is the image of what exists
* With one hand on my crotch and one in my back pocket you sang songs of love
I heard the melody just before I lost it
If you find it keep it
I donít want it now
* Autumn
Time of change
Colors abound
Leaves turn brown and we perceive them as dying
We say they fall to the ground but perhaps they are flying to the earth
at last
* Iíve worn my life like a blue ribbon stolen from some roadside attraction reptile
* I remember the ships in the harbor
The rain pouring down
Your smile the color of love
I thought it was forever
even if you went away
the smile would stay
nurturing the wonder
and the magic
* We are all here to learn
Life is not a mystery
it is an experience
by day
by day
Each one alone in itís own significance
There are no mistakes
Truth does not reveal itself
It is, by nature, illusive
The perpetual carrot on a stick
keeping us in forward motion
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